angel week.
6/4/26
so you all know where i’m at and you can be here with me, as this is the song that came up on shuffle from my older liked playlist. over the last week or so, idk what’s gotten in me but i’ve been going back to the first playlist that spotify created for me for the songs that i liked during those years, which i think started from 2013 or 2014 when i first got the app (i remember heavily leaning on spotify during that first year back in new jersey commuting to brooklyn from my cousin’s house for work) all the way to probably 2018? or 2019? i’m not really sure, tbh. probably 2017? i wish miss spotify would tell you the date you added the song to the playlist, a suggestion for them (or if you know how to figure that out, lmk).
let me just start by saying that i’m all over the place right now, so bear with me. something led me to write for sure today and make this time before my day gets away from me to memorialize what’s going on. i find it wild that i’ve never mentioned richard before, or if i have, i haven’t mentioned him on his angel date in the blog. something made me go look through my posts to see if i had any posts from this date years past, and i actually do.
único is the post i have from 2024 & patience is a virtue is the post i made last year. and of course, i neglected to mention anything about what was going on in the background fr because idk why but i’m going to now. today is the day my stepbrother passed away from drowning back in 2017. you can read more about the crazy shit that has happened in my life and idk today is the first time i have googled his name because the story made national news two years post his death date, the same summer of my second run in with the po. and what’s crazy is the necklace that my dad bought for me, him, and my brother disappeared that summer. but it’s so wild to see people MAKING CONTENT ABOUT HIS MF STORY. like, it makes me sick to my stomach in some ways with reading comments about people wanting to be nosy about the ins and outs and it’s like bro this is my LIFE. now i get how celebrities may feel with shit like that because i have been losing my mind about it this morning for various reasons. his story gets to live on, but at the same time…it’s been hell for my family, as this is my dad’s wife’s ONLY child. and then next saturday IS HIS BIRTHDAY. which, of course, is the date last year that i had my most recent dramatic situation happen in DC. which is why the patience is a virtue post is a GAG to read back because…i was so worried about someone else over myself. in the worst time of my life.
it’s crazy how much can change in a year, man. that whole situation. that group of people and their extensions. are not a part of my life anymore in any way. like fully pushed out, and don’t want to open the door again if there ever was space to do such. because i now realize, so many things i was repressing inside myself was holding me back from being honest about where i’m at right now and even back then. literally, those years were hell. and like, i think God was preparing me for something bigger than i even knew at the time. and i hate the way things went down, but they needed to happen because the Universe needed me to wake the fuck up. to so much more than that relationship, just the essence of who i am. and letting me be that without being fearful of the power in it. and there were so many things that i was feeling then that i was holding inside. from the financial instability, to the drugs and drinks i was relying on to make it through those moments of pain to bring some sense of peace, the switching of multiple mental health medications that i was having adverse reactions to such as tachycardic dyskinesia or whatever it’s called, my tongue kept sticking out bitch and i couldn’t rest cos this was prime skin disease depression, let’s not even. and when you’re tryna find the right mental health medication, it felt like a battle every day. while getting to know new providers and having been left to fend for themselves unmedicated for two years (literally wrote TFYAM in what felt like depression/emotional psychosis) so like…
this is where i was at that time…
and this is where i’m at coming into june this year. even though may was kinda all over the place, it was more stable than the year prior. i’m also noticing a pattern, I ALWAYS CRASH OUT AROUND CINCO DE MAYO!!!! if we use our brains here, we can see why. food for mf thought, tbh. but of course, this is food for thought but do i be thinking? either way, this week is a mf lot. ilke, now i have to add the date of tabby’s passing to the same week as richard’s passing. like they’re at the tail end of the same week. and i’m here to see this after they’re gone, i think about some day i will be the one getting those calls about people in my life and then people get that call about me at one point in the far far far far future (manifesting and affirming) idk it’s just a lot to think about right now. but yeah, this feels like shit but i’m trying to flip the wigs around, like my card earlier this week stated. i think i talked about it in my most recent IG live i did, ya’ll know where to find it if you haven’t watched already.
so this makes the time now a bunch of blessings and BULLSHIT all at the same time.
mom’s birthday (23), tabby’s passing (29), great-grandmother’s birthday (30), richard’s angel date (4), jail 2 (11), richard’s birthday (13), jail 3 (14).
when can i breathe? and it’s like, omg why does pride month have to have so much going on a bitch just wanna be joyful. whimsy. but i mean, pride month came to because of resistance and having to fight. just me laying THAT shit out should let you know how much, how long i been fighting to just have some semblance of freedom. that’s really what this all boils down to for me. being free enough to make mistakes, come from shitty situations into growth, but i am really trying to do my part to flip my mentality around moving forward because…idk, i just think that Big Sandals is really trying to make sure that i get the message surrounding: “you’re a star. you’re meant to be seen. you’re meant to heal. you’re meant to love. you’re meant to struggle. but you will be okay.”
for context. all these messages came to me in the last 24 hours…back to back to back. i could cry even posting these fr.
and it’s like these messages came in like a flood. normally, i would hear them but the compliments, the affirmations…would go in one ear and out the other. but i’m listening now. i’m feeling like i can own it too. 11:11. instead of thinking that it’s just someone telling me that because they’re trying to fake being close to me. or get the upper hand on me. you can only imagine why i would feel that way because of how i was treated by parents and men frfr in my life to get something they wanted out of me. so thank you all for reminding me of my power. my authenticity. and just keeping it real in a land of fakes. because honestly…it’s so hard to be real. i’ve always wanted to fit in but i have always stood out. this week i had the pleasure of talking to two of my best friends from childhood. i love you ashley & mimi. they called me different days and these folx have been with me since i was single digits fr. and they know i’ve always tried to be a lover and fit in with people i never would. just to find somewhere to call home. and they let me find home with them in a time where me and my queerness (before i even really knew it) were still trying to understand and accept each other without the guilt that came along with the fear of acceptance.
now you see why i am the way i am? and of course i tell this above recollection to my girlfriend mimi yesterday and she was clearly there when i was beat up like…so yeah. it’s crazy how like for the majority of my life i’ve been gaslit to be someone i’m not and some subservient little bitch. which is why i snuck around to learn who i was devoid of what everyone in my life had to say about it (and wrote about it in them myspace blogs, baby they used to get ALL the tea, i been writing online since before you could even spell ‘write’) and i still wrestled with the people pleasing of it all. like telling my parents i was bisexual to lessen the blow and even tried dating a girl in high school who was also bisexual at the time LMFAO shouts to herrrrrr but like girl. that come out on facebook was legendary, i hope they will pull it up for me one day if it’s still there because i had the hood shook. you know how your parents try to keep it ‘in house’ because they ashamed and what’s wild is everyone in my family has been the EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT THEY SAID TO ME GROWING UP NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT. MY BIGGEST MF OPPS but they’re also the people that i love fiercely because i wouldn’t be me without that. yes, i shouldn’t have to struggle but tbh it’s part of my human design’s incarnation cross:
taps the screen so you all can see what i am here to do (this is from a soul map reading i had a long time ago) and like…i do know how to turn dirt into diamonds bitch. so like. when y’all tell me you see me. you hear what i’m saying. something i said has shifted sum in you. i’ve been able to help turn your lights back on, proverbially and spiritually. you’ve gotten HERE. you done THIS. because you WILLED IT. baby, i have been there. done that. got the t-shirt. and the glasses that came along with the merch. and the lifetime member pass to this bullshit. and sometimes i really think about my life like…bitch. are you you? are you dead? i mean, i have died a few times already frfr, that time i did that young h0e and was spiraling in my bathroom back in like 2020 and saw a plane crash which looked like i was on the tv show manifest while i was throwing up from taking too much of ha? yeah something in me died then this was also pre-pandemic too, my life has been like okay girl let’s elevate your timeline through a series of experiments with life. which i’m supposed to be doing????? and like if you’re judging me for that, you’re just judging yourself for not being curious. and i’mma always try to figure something out, i’m a scorpio. this is, in fact, a case for the FBI.
of course, i open up IG and this is the first thing i see rq and i only see the mirror with the chiron in aries quote. and i was like WAIT THIS IS WHAT I’M WRITING ABOUT RMFN!!!!!!! gag that this is coming up at the same time i’m making this post like a memorial post + a ‘bitch you really are the one’ jawn. and the girls that can’t take can’t take and will never be able to take so don’t allow them to. if you could deal with it from your PARENTS BITCH? everyone and everything else is light work, h0e. and tbh, we not even focused on that. we not bypassing nun around here or trying to not do work. i still got a lot of work to do on me to be where i feel like i should be. but i’m also still defining what that means for me. it is actually my first year out here in this self-belief. every other post from years past casts a little doubt in me.
but na bro. i’ve seen myself run through so many things. and i’m me, bitch. and that’s BEYOND ENOUGH FRFR because like, the universe wouldn’t respond to you in that way if that wasn’t fact.
perfect example, today i’m walking down the street back to the house from the bodega and i will sometimes see a Black woman who’s probably 60s or something i assume, whenever i see her she always is so kind to me. bigging up my outfits, saying i look cute, just idk. it feels like a guardian angel cheerleader and also just…i been on this block for how many years? almost 10? it makes me feel like i am at home. this is MY hood. this is the life that I created for ME. allowing me to be ME FULLY. FREEDOM. she introduces herself because we have never exchanged names and been kind to each other for at least the last 2 years i feel like? and she was literally telling me to continue to shine, be beautiful, carry the lightness of my spirit that i do and it’s like HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS ABOUT ME GIRL!!!!!!! HOW CAN YOU SEE IT!!! HOW DO OTHERS SEE IT??!?!?!?!?? but it’s like you see it in others so of course they would see it in you. mirror reflection, fr. and we laughed as she ki’d to leave the other direction and i walked back in the house. made me tear up a little bit fr like…i need that love. i needed that love. i feel like the love come to me candle i did last week was for all the love that has shown up this week and consistently has. and if you’re reading this, that means you. so thank you.
but ugh, i do want to pull a card before i get off of here. i have a call i’m supposed to take that was supposed to start at 11:30 and i’m emotionally heightened rn!!!! but the person i’m supposed to call said take my time so i’m actually going to do that.
“Ferns begin to sprout during the early days of spring, breaking through damp, packed winter soil. At first, they are curled inward and compact until they free themselves from the constriction around them. But once they rise above the heaviness and the darkness, they are free to unravel and expand into the world.
Pulling the Fern card is an indication that you may have some lower vibrations swirling around you. Perhaps you have toxic people in your life, such as a cruel co-worker, a critical parent, or a gossiping friend. It’s easy to get trapped in lower vibrational energies, especially when that is what you know, but you are an enlightened soul and can rise above the negativity and stagnation.
Fern guides you to reach for the light, even when there is only darkness surrounding you. Meet negativity with high-vibrational energies like compassion, curiosity, and empathy. Staying in your light helps others to remember their own. Lost souls could simply need someone who is willing to listen with a loving heart that is free of judgment. If nothing else, staying in your light protects you from those who are not ready to have a joyful and heart-centered existence.”
This why a bitch be moving fr. And tbh, it’s telling me that like…you are doing it. You are letting the world see all the bits. And you can see that staying in my light…has allowed me to continue to be able to keep her on, even in moments it is difficult to bring it to the surface. A speck of light in the darkness illuminates. If you want to ground, check out the healing process here:
I know it’s warm enough to do this in NYC so i’mma try one of these days. One of these little hood parks sksks. But this was long and like…meaty so.
Yeah.
Also, in the 2024 post before I forget, I talked about companionship and love. I feel like I’m trying to allow myself to be open to whatever that means this summer because I normally don’t put a lot of effort into that. Especially now that I got called fat by the doctor two days ago, I don’t really know if I’m ready. But like, if I’m never ready, I’ll never have it happen so…I guess this is the summer of shooting shots (at me, not me shooting shots LMFAO) so yeah.
Me and this big body benz is out. And I’ve got these two guardian angels to cover me. </3
x